I find it ironic that the last post I wrote here was about Amazon, and abstinence. Amazon, that monolith of consumerism. Abstinence, that word that hastens to memory the puritanical evangelicalism of my youth.
Just yesterday I was laughing about the irony that I wrote an entire blog post about not using Amazon, and then I proceeded to use Amazon for two months as a sweet sweet tonic to my exhausted soul.
You see, these last few months have been nothing short of challenging. The only way I know how to describe the level of fatigue I’ve experienced - clinical, documented, medical fatigue - is that I’m like a phone battery who won’t hold a charge. I charge overnight, only to wake up to 20% juice. Within hours, my juice is gone, and despite my deepest desires, I have to push through.
I am in week five of six of the most rewarding, incredible program I’ve experienced. I am not a participant in the program, but an administrator. A logistics person. The stage manager and answerer of questions. The solver of problems. The traffic cop and responder. Or, as one friend put it - “Erin is the operating system (picking up the iPhone from the table) - like, the OS.”
I’m good at these things. Good at traffic-copping and direction-giving. Good at logistics and details and demands. Good at answering 17 questions quickly and decisively. And, somewhere along the way, between a totaled car and a few dogsitting jobs, and a few crises here and there at work, my battery drained. There is no place to go but through, and so I continue, putting one foot in front of the other.
I’ve spent a lot of money on myself these last few months. I’ve spent money on healthcare, on body care. I’ve spent money on healthy food and not healthy food.
And I’ve spent money on convenience.
You could say that I’m no longer abstinent.
Or, that I’m allowing myself the grace of self-care, and ignoring the angel on my shoulder who speaks in mildly critical tones that I’m doing the wrong thing and abandoning my ideals.
Because, when your care requires it, you order the Instacart delivery
Because, when your care requires it, you order takeout
Because, when your care requires it, you order toilet paper on Amazon
Because, when your care requires it, you do the convenient thing
In the grand scheme of life, I’m extremely committed to my ideals. I want a world free from Amazon’s monopoly. I want a world of no plastic straws, no styrofoam packing materials, and no food waste. I am actively working toward that world for myself.
AND, when my body is so fatigued that walking to the train feels like a feat, I am forced to retreat from my ideals and my self-criticism. I am forced to silence the voice in my head that to push that 1-click button is to backslide on all of my progress. I am invited to give myself the care, nourishment, and patience that I need and deserve, even when, and especially when, that requires a Prime order.